January 4, 2019
I was dusting a piece of furniture, a piece that was gifted to me by my husband on my 39th birthday and I was thinking about how excited I was to go and pick it up. My mom went with me and my dad called me on the way to wish me a happy birthday. Before I could move on to the next piece, I caught myself saying, "Wow, that was BEFORE my dad died." I sat for a moment in the middle of my dining room and sobbed. That is how it has been ever since that horrible day.
I lost my father in 2018. It was sudden therefore unexpected. That milestone in my life has made an odd shift in the way I process thoughts now. I continuously find myself relating everything to that ONE event that took place in my life. When I recall a memory, I place it in the before or after my father's passing. Does this happen to you? It doesn't have to be the passing of a loved one, it can be receiving good or bad news, or something else that impacted you on any level. This event has marked significant change in my life and no matter how hard I try, I can't shake placing things in the before or after his passing.
These moments or events we encounter and cannot shake are important to listen and tune in to. They are milestones that put placement in our lives which I think is why I keep placing my thoughts around the before and after his death. It's like never moving my bookmark in a book I am reading. Even though I've read on, my bookmark remains in that one spot, marking the page I will never let go of. When I ponder on it, I have many bookmarks: the day I got married, had each of my children, lost loved ones, the list goes on. Each milestone marks moments that build our story and make us who we are today. The before and after allows us to turn back and remember things like walking down the aisle or holding my daughter or son for the first time. My dad's bookmark stands a little bigger than the others right now and that is just going to have to be okay for now. Every time I recall a before or after moment it enables me to revisit my dad, many memories that I hold so dearly.
What about you? What is your before and after moment?